Hey, there, its been a while. I have been super busy. The first semester is ending and that means one thing...................FINALS!!! The only six letter word that makes my brain hurt. Yeah I have had essays and tests and deadlines and art projects. Its all been really crazy, plus add in pep band. I had one last friday, yesterday and I have one tomorrow. Wow. But I am glad that I get next friday off. I will HOPEfully get to sleep in just a little later. But I have to go to town to get my school supplies (i.e. NOTEBOOKS!) for the upcoming semester. Its kinda sad, because I am not going to have my favorite class anymore, ART! Oh well, I will just have to hang out there after school then. WE are watching this cool documentary, The fog of War, it is about Robert MacNemara, Secretary of Defense during the 60's(I think I spelled that right), it is pretty cool how it is done. They show clips of him when he was serving under President Kennedy, and LB Johnson, and then they have him in real life, talking. Its pretty cool filming, and I learned some interesting things about the cold war. I have a major delema. There is this guy (lets just call him C) that I have been talking to  for a while, his dad owns the barn where I board my horses. So we've been talking for a while, so last month he "invited" me to a concert (more like hinted a lot,and I do mean a lot) but I couldn't go because I was going to be in Texas. He claims it was to listen to some good music. Which I got, I thought we were friends, but when my mom , friends and cousins got word, they all seem to think that he likes me more than a friend. I am not even sure if I like C more than a  friend, I have never really thought about it. So anyways, He now just invited me, mom, and friend, to go with his family, and friends to see a comedy show. Now my friends seem to think that is a date, But does it count, considering, my friend, mother and his family and friends are going to be there? That is part of my problem. Then there is this other guy (lets call him J) who I have known since seventh grade, and I like and I am pretty sure that he likes me to. So to make a long story short  and to sum up: There are two guys who I like , and I think both of them like me, what do I do? If any of this isn't clear let me know. I try and clear it up. Well I better go.

blackrose

I am so glad to be home. It took us three days, but I am home. It would have been only 15 hours if we hadn't had car troubles in Dallas TX. So we ended up sleeping in a Best Western across the highway from a Detention Center. Lets just say it took me a while to fall asleep. But my room had HBO so I watched Phantom of the Opera until I feel asleep. Once the car was done at 2:00 pm the next day we left texas and drove all night, with an hour stop for dinner. I stayed up practically all night, except for the two hours of well need rest so I would stop Hallucinating. Today has been very quiet and sleepy. I didn't get to go to school because ended up getting in after school had started and I was too tired. But we did go and pick up Max who was happy to see us. Lets just say I am really happy to be at home at last. Well that is all. for now.

blackrose

Well I am sitting here with nothing to do. I have accomplished absolutly nothing to day. I don't know if I told you this but, I had my very first article published on thursday!!! I am super happy and super excited. I am supposed to have another one published next thursday. Can you believe it???? because i sure can't!!! I think I might have a career in journalism. But I don't know, it is a tough world out there and I am not sure if I would be able to get a job, but I am keeping it in mind. Lets see, What have I  done today: Half a load of laundry(which isn't done), no packing whatsoever,haven't washed the dog, completly ingnoring the mountians of homework in my backpack,ate some pizza, wrote in my blog and have offically become the laziest person on the face of the earth. Not my best day, might I add. But it is the first free day I have had in long time. Don't you think that a person should be allowed to have a lazy day, where they do absolutely nothing? Like everone should have one obsession in there life. I am not sure if mine is a true obssession but I do like Pirates of the Carribean a lot, I have two journals, a pen and the movie of pirates of the Carribean. But I think my true obsession is Art. I can't get enough of it. Right now I am obsessed with painting. But in my art class we have to do this morphing project. I am morphing a Pumpkin into a Smurf. Which isn't as easy as it sounds, but I like it. And is starting to look pretty cool. Well I that enough procrastinating for one day, I should get up and do something productive. ( the reality will be that I will get off the computer and sit down in front of the televison, and watch the Law and Order Marathon, after which at two o clock I will finally get up and wash the dog, and start and finish packing.) So here is to putting off the important things to be lazy for a day.

black rose

Well for starters my friend is no longer thinking she was pregnant, false alarm. Thank God. We are leaving for texas on monday. I am really excited to get away for awhile. Life is so confusing, especailly when it comes to guys. They have to be the most confusing thing ever.Anyways I am happy to be going and i thought I would give you a update! Merry christmas and happy holidays.

blackrose

I just learned some very frustrating and scary news. My best friend might be pregnant. Which is scary b/c her parents are gonna kill her. And frustrating, b/c she thought she was pregnant this summer,but she wasn't which makes me mad that she is now, or well might be, we are not sure yet. WEll not much eles to write. Very tired

blackrose

Well lets see, new events, since I last wrote. I had a headache the whole day. And this is when the bad part happens. My mom got me out some medicine but I had to go switch my loads of laundry, and feed max. so after i did all of that i sat down and my mom asked me if I took the pills which  didn't. Frantically we searched all over the house and not a trace. As it turns out Max ate them. Which is really bad b/c they contain a lot of asprin, a sedative and caffine, enought to kill a dog. so we called the vet and we had to give him hydrogen peroxcide, which would make him throw up. Well three doeses later he hasn't thrown up yet. but really isn't feeling good. so we called the vet agian and he said to wait it out. I am really worried  and I hope he gets through okay. He seems fine, but is  very drowsy, but not drowsy enough to sit by the kitchen hoping for food. so I think he will be okay. So now my mom thinks that maybe she took them. b/c when my mom has a headache she is out of it. but I have no clue to belive that she took them or max did so I am very confused. Well anyways for American history we have to write  poem or storie or journal entry about the holocaust, so i chose the poem. I attached it so you can read it and tell me what you think. you don't have to if you don't want to. But it would be nice to have another person's opinion before I turn it in tommorow

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well thats all for now

 ♥black rose♥

Well lets see. So far school is pretty hectic. I have a lot of homework I have to do before my family leaves for Christmas in Texas. It is my gradpa's 90th birthday, and my whole family is going to be there. I am a little reluctant to go, everyone knows about my dad, and I  fear that they are going to treat me differently. My Aunt is trying really hard not to, but I can tell that she looks at us differently. It will be good to get away this christmas, it will make it easier to get through the holidays if were are with a whole bunch of people. But the one day I am dreading is my 17th birthday, it is going to be different and hard. And I really don't want to have to deal with my brother who is becoming more and more angry, fighting with my mom. They always fight, more than they used to. It feels like my family is falling apart. We got our PACT back, and I did pretty good. It says that I should work with people, and ideas.I am at the selective level, 21-25, which is pretty good. Next year we take the ACTs, and next year I will be a Junior, which is even scarier. My childhood is slowly sliping away and I am scared. I don't know what I am going to be when I grow up, or even what college I am going too. BUt in light of all these things running around in my head. My friends and I still manage to get into the holiday spirit by doing secret santas. Which is always fun. I was invited to Christmas party by one the most popular girls in my grade, but I can't go because I am going to be in texas which is a bummer. I was invited last year too, but I couldn't go because I was sick. So I am hoping that next year I will be able to go. WEll that is about all that is going on right now.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

 ♥blackrose♥

I was on Vh1 watching videos and I came across this song by Lindsay Lohan. Normally I wouldn't watch it but I did. The Lyrics explain all of the feelings have had towards my dad. I just wish I could have gotten a chance to tell him.

But now it is too late for me to tell him I love him. He died year ago but I only found out six months ago. He was a alcholic and a drug addict. He was kicked out by my mom a little while after I was born. I haven't heard from him since. I have no clue if he loves me, if he even cares. And that is what hurts the most. No matter how hard I try to get rid of the pain it still is there and still as strong as the first day I heard the news. Just now, I can't cry it away, or think it away. And everyone seems to feel bad for my brother, because he was going to visit my dad one day. But I was going to, too! And no one in my family seems to get that. Its like all of my pain is just pushed aside because my brother makes his pain visible. I am good at hiding my emotions, but once I get them out there they are stepped on like a ripped peice of newspaper on a busy dirty street. No one pays attention to it, they just kick it aside and move on. Or when someone does feel bad for me, it feels so hollow and empty. Like it is something they are required to say to someone who is in mouring. I guess that is what you can call what I am going through, mourning. And sometimes when I am by myself I wonder why is everyone saying sorry to me. Because they should be feeling sorry for my dad. He is the one who gave up, who left, he is the one who didn't care enough to change. HE is the one who missed out, on everything. My heart may be broken, but I am still alive, as painful as it is. When they say that you can die of a broken heart I believe it. Because I know what a broken heart feels like, even now. Even though it doesn't hurt as much as it did when it first broke, it is still there. And every once and a while when something reminds me of what I have lost, the pain comes back and I find myself retreating into the place. The place where I lost myself, where all though and reason was replaced by pain and numbness. And that scares me, I don't want to go there. I just want to be my old self agian, I want me back. But as hard as I try and fight, I can never seem to get there. The only thing that keeps me going besides God is a necklace. A necklace that my father gave my mother on their first anniversary. It keeps the pain away and brings a temporary comfort. It has now become a part of me. It as if my father is in the necklace and is there with me, and is some way that gives me comfort. Even though I will never know why he left, why he gave up, and if he ever did love me.

 ♥blackrose♥